Proven Men Ministries, Ltd.
16011 Chieftain Ave.
Rockville, MD 20855
info@ProvenMen.org

John's Story

This is the story of John, the overachiever.  It is written in the first person, so you can be brought into his story, using it as a basis for connecting your own life to his and adopting the same road to freedom.

Currently I am living a victorious life by the power of the Lord and actively training others to break free from the grip of sexually addictive lifestyles. However, not too many years ago my marriage was in deep trouble because of the impact of sexual immorality in my own life. At that time, outwardly I was a model Christian and very active in the church. But this only led to a great fear of rejection by the church if I admitted that internally I struggled greatly with sexual sins. Because all that I cherished was slipping away from me, I finally risked telling a pastor that I needed help with my sexual struggles. Surprisingly, he did not judge me. Instead, he loved me, and guided me to other Christian men who had faced similar struggles where I began experiencing freedom through Christ. I was no longer alone. I was finally ready to do business with sin at the deepest level of my heart and ready to be changed from the inside out.

The following is my story of how I ended up in the serious state of bondage to sexual immorality. But it also is my testimony about how, by God's grace, I was called out of despair to begin living a PROVEN™ life, exactly the model established in the Scriptures (see 1 Cor. 6:9-11).

I also grew up without much affection from my father. Although I figured my dad loved me, he never verbally or physically expressed it. I grew up believing that men just don't say "I love you" or hug each other. For a variety of reasons, I also didn't spend much time during my childhood with my father, who was busy providing for a large family.

When I was about twelve, I found Playboy magazines hidden in a room. About that time, I also learned about masturbation from friends. As I looked at the pictures of the naked women, I began fantasizing about sexual matters. In fact, I soon became fixated upon sex. I began seeing women as objects of desire. I would masturbate almost every day while thinking about sexual images or fantasies. Although I usually felt guilty afterwards, each night as I closed my eyes sexual thoughts flooded my mind and I would begin the ritual all over again.

Adult Practices
It was during high school that I went to my first X-rated movie and even to a topless bar. I began buying my own Playboy magazines, as well as more hard core pornography. Sex was always on my mind, and I could easily find sexual images or ideas almost everywhere. I would often purposefully keep these images in my mind so that I could use them later when I would masturbate at night. During college I also began having sex. This only fueled the fire more. I still continued to fantasize, and I masturbated each day that I did not have sex. Each relationship ultimately ended without satisfaction. Although deep down I knew lustful thoughts and masturbation were wrong, I held on to the belief that as soon as I got married I would stop.

During business school, I accepted Jesus into my heart as Lord, and soon thereafter met the prettiest, most wonderful woman in the world. We were married within a year. Everything was falling into place. However, the lustful thoughts and temptations to masturbate did not go away. I was a Christian and now married, but I still maintained my former fantasy thought life and other impure sexual practices.

Daily I continued to keep opening my mind to sensuality. I was fixated on beautiful women in TV shows, commercials, or magazines. Even on the way to work I noticed (and fantasized over) sensually dressed women. Giving over to lust only heightened my desire more for sex, making me think I needed it every day.

By now, my wife and I were involved in many activities at church, and were viewed as a model couple. She would become a staff member and I would be active in many ministries for the church. I simply was too proud and ashamed to seek help. Yet my world seemed to be closing in on me and I needed to find a way of escape. I knew it was just a matter of time before I would drive my wife away, and she was too precious to lose.

I begged God with tears to take away the temptations. I wrote out every verse in the Bible about sexual immorality in the hope that my actions would conform to what I read. I even went to a Promise Keepers event and confessed to a counselor on the football field that I masturbated. However, no matter what I tried, after about three weeks I would begin masturbating again. In fact, my thoughts and actions continued to grow more and more impure.

Repentance and Commitment to Change

My mind was so constantly plagued with lustful thoughts that I was totally consumed with sex. I finally became so afraid of acting out some of the fantasies or actually committing adultery that I went to the pastor of the church. I admitted that I had a sex problem that I could not overcome. Although the pastor was shocked to know this about me, he did not reject me. Rather, he cried and poured out his heart for me. He reassured me, and told me that he loved me. That marked a new direction in my life.

I continued the road towards God by having a repentant heart, and in confessing to my wife all my sins — sexual, selfishness and pride. For the first time in my life I actually felt free. After linking up with a man in accountability who himself overcame sexual addiction, I knew that I could live in freedom. I knew there was much work ahead, but I also knew there was hope. And I was 100 percent committed to being changed by God; willing to do whatever it took to live a pure life in dependency upon Him.

Early on in the process, my wife was not so sure that I would change. After all, I had been unfaithful to her from day one of our marriage. I still remember clearly one thing she told me that helped change the course of my life, which was: "You are just sorry about the consequences, but you don't really see your conduct as wrong." I wanted to lash out at her. But she was absolutely right. I hated the consequences, but did not really want to stop. I had not seen lustful thoughts or masturbation as something that grieved God or as being evil. Besides, I secretly enjoyed certain aspects of the false intimacy of fantasy, lust and masturbation. I knew I needed to die to lust and live for the Lord.

Praise the Lord that by God's mercy my wife did not abandon me. She stood by my side every step of the way. Of course, it took a long time to regain her trust. But for the first time I truly was willing to do whatever it took to stop sinning and start living for purposes greater than my own selfishness. I received biblical counseling weekly from another Christian man who had been addicted to sex. I also read several good books relating to freedom from sexual sins. I began to see that my thinking was backwards, and that my selfishness and pride fueled the lust. I finally realized that the only hope I had was in turning over all areas of my life to Jesus. I needed to adopt His plan for living instead of mine. Daily I spent much time in Bible study and prayer. I began to understand the root sin issues beneath the sexual behavior. I confessed my struggles to a trusted Christian friend who helped hold me accountable. This time I really wanted to be totally free from the bondage of lust and sexual impurity. But more than that, I wanted to return home to God, to live out love, and to live for Jesus. It was only then that I finally began living a victorious life free from the grip of lust and masturbation.

The Root Causes of Sexual Bondage in My Life

All my life, I had lacked real and intimate relationships with God and others. These things were not modeled to me as a child, nor sought after by me as an adult. Instead, I allowed the pridefulness in my life to lead to self-centered desires. The area of sex is a perfect place for selfish thinking and resulting selfish sexual behaviors to thrive. For instance, masturbation, pornography and sexual fantasies were fueled by my selfish way of thinking. Because I refused to permit emotions or feelings to exist in my life, I also substituted a "false" intimacy in place of real relationships. In fact, all of my relationships were shallow. This even included my relationship with God and my wife. The Lord was there simply to meet my needs. And my interactions with my wife were based upon sex and the fulfillment of my desires; not hers.

When I accepted the Lord into my heart, my selfish desires and patterns did not just miraculously disappear as I had selfishly hoped they would. Because my prideful way of living, including lustful thoughts and masturbation, spanned 20 years, they had become ingrained habits that were done almost automatically and without reflection. The repeated conduct also desensitized me to sin. Moreover, I had never learned how to be vulnerable, open or honest with my feelings or with people. Therefore, it is no surprise that I was not immediately freed from sexual bondage or that I did not step right away into a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord. I needed to learn how to shed my former ways and replace them with new Christ-like thinking and conduct. But I set a course and began making changes in my life. Although it took time and hard work, I did not give up. I was committed to being a PROVEN Man™.

The PROVEN Model

I now see that the root issue underneath sexual bondage is a lack of intimate relationships with God and others, fueled by selfishness and pride. Freedom is not about stopping lustful thoughts or masturbation. They are merely symptoms of the wrong relationship and attitude towards God and others. Although there is no formula, I now see that God transforms and frees people from the grip of lust and other selfish ways using the acronym "PROVEN" which stands for being:

Passionate for God
Repentant in Spirit
Open and honest
Victorious in living
Eternal in focus
Networked with others.

Passionate for God

I had viewed God as a doorway to receiving answers to prayers or obtaining blessings. I did not fully grasp how I could or should have an intimate love relationship with Jesus But, when the point in my life came that I could no longer stand the sexual sins and fake relationships, I finally turned completely to Jesus: this time for real, this time for good!

My mind was so warped with selfish and wrong thinking it needed to be “transformed and renewed” (Romans 12:2). For this to happen I needed to flood my mind with godly inputs while also eliminating selfish and sexual inputs. I began spending time praying each morning. My prayers changed from asking for blessings for myself to asking God to meet the needs of others. I also poured out my heart to Jesus each morning telling Him how much I loved Him, how hard the struggle was, and asking Him for His strength. I also asked Jesus to make me humble and to give me a soft heart towards Him and others. For the first time in my life, I actually started learning what it really means to love God and others. I also began reading the Bible daily with enthusiasm and with new understanding as He opened my willing eyes to His truth. Then I began putting into practice what I was learning.

After working through the 12-week study twice and using other daily Bible studies for six months, I began craving more and more of an intimate relationship with Jesus. I also read two books that helped me see that I needed (and could have) even a deeper, more dependent relationship with Jesus. (False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg (NavPress 1997), and Sexual Healing by Mastering Life Ministries.) My eyes and heart were opened wide.

I kept finding myself wanting even more. I had tasted God and it was good! But I still did not really know how to pray to Him like those in the Bible that I was reading about. My pastor recommended that I read some of the writings of E.M. Bounds. Wow! Mr. Bounds explained prayer in a way I had never heard. My heart was convicted once again. I realized that I still had been praying to receive blessings from Him, instead of getting to know Him and changing my life to conform to His will. My prayer life dramatically changed, and with it my heart, once more.

(Before seeking absolute purity, I prayed for only about one minute a day for things for myself. During the first twelve weeks of recovery, I disciplined myself (using a timer clock) to pray 5 to 10 minutes a day and began focusing upon the needs of others. A year later, I began meeting weekly with other men to pray for things impossible without God. I consider these prayer meetings to be among the most precious activities in my life. Clearly, the Lord gave me a new and passionate heart that is still growing!)

Repentant in Spirit

Many times before when I had tried to stop lusting after women, I failed because I was still secretly enjoying and holding onto some aspects of it. I did not really hate it. But the Holy Spirit began convicting my heart of the evil of sexually impure thoughts and behaviors in my life. It was only when I began hating sexual sins by repenting to the Lord over them that they began to lose their grip over me. I realized that there was a connection between the selfishness and pride in my life and what my mind dwelt upon. Once I learned where the war was being fought, i.e., selfishness and pride, I could begin to engage in the battle.

I began confessing to the Lord how selfish and wicked my ways were. I even wrote God a psalm modeled after Psalm 51 -- when King David repented over having an adulterous affair with a married woman. In fact, each time I had a lustful thought I would immediately call it sinful, and ask God for forgiveness. My repentance was not merely words. I also began working very hard at removing all sensual inputs from my life and replacing them with godly inputs. For instance, I stopped watching all television for an entire year, and refused to open magazines that I knew would have pictures of women in them. For a few months, I found it necessary to stare at the ground as I walked to the subway, and would read the Bible on my commute to work so I would not lust after the women on the train. I even strictly limited my interactions with all women.

One very important part of repentance was refusing to allow any sexual image or fantasy to stay in my mind. I would reject every such thought and image right away, and actually “refuse” to take any pleasure from them. Whenever I looked at a woman and entertained the slightest impurity in my thinking, I immediately acknowledged and confessed it as sin, turned away from it, and asked Jesus for forgiveness. Although it seemed like I was confessing lustful thoughts every few minutes, I did not give in. My attitude became: Because God hates sexual sin, so do I.

Open and Honest

Although I had lots of friends or acquaintances, I had never been in vulnerable, open and honest relationships with anyone. I was afraid that people would not like me if they really knew me. I also closed off my emotions and feelings. I suppose I subconsciously thought that I was being protected by these walls around my heart. But, I began seeing how hiding from feelings and true intimacy blocks us from loving others as God desires. Deep down, I knew that loving and putting others first means more that just wishing them well or praying for them; it would require investing my life in their lives. Let me tell you, this was way outside my comfort zone. For instance, I usually stood stiff whenever the pastor or another man gave me a hug (which symbolized how I did not allow myself to have intimate relationships). But, I began to tear down these walls, too. I knew that if I could not be open and honest in my relationships with other men, even being vulnerable, I would not be able to truly live out passion for God or be fully intimate with my wife.

I began learning that openness also means being open about bad or embarrassing things that happen. For instance, because I was exposed to inappropriate sexual matters as a child (i.e., was shown pornography and how to masturbate), I had to accept that I had been subject to a form of sexual abuse as a child. I read the book The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender (NavPress). This book helped me see how and why walls were built around my heart, beginning when I was a child exposed to inappropriate sexual matters. It also helped me realize that even after I stopped masturbating that some of my current ways of relating to people stem from the fact that I learned to keep clear of close relationships many years ago. Now that I could see this improper pattern for what is was and knew where it stemmed from, I could better start replacing former way of life with real open and honest relationships. Although it was difficult, I began making it a point now to recognize how I am feeling, and to talk about things such as disappointment, fear, anger and other topics that were once off limits. (I often referred to the feelings chart, attached as Appendix F to the 12-week study, as an aid to recognizing my own feelings.) Today, I am able to go up to another man, give him a hug, and tell him I love him. I also maintain vulnerability with my accountability partner and others.

Victorious in Living

The Bible tells us that those who persist in sexually immoral ways will not inherit heaven (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). However, the good news is that the very next verse is: "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Corinthians 6:11). As I truly sought the Lord and committed to giving Him control, I felt Him telling me that even though I was currently engaged in sexual sins, I not only was called to lead a victorious life through God's grace, but that He would lead me by the hand to holiness.

Each moment I am following God's plan for living, I am leading a victorious life. It has been several years since I last masturbated or looked at pornography. My relationship with my wife is better now than it ever was before because I have sought to put her needs and desires ahead of my own. The victory is that I have died to sexual immorality and chosen to appreciate and love the relationship with my wife. In fact, I see that my relationship with her is so much more than sexual. We are learning to work together in all things as a team. Although I still face the temptation to lust, I continue to be on guard. I have not grown complacent nor weary of the battle because my strength is in Jesus and not myself.

The effects in my life of living victoriously through His power include a healthy and thriving relationship with Jesus that is continuing to grow. I love to read the Bible, and to sing worship songs in church. I also regularly write love songs (or "Psalms" as I like to call them) to the Lord. With respect to loving others, I am developing real and intimate relationships with my wife and others. I actually can hug men, talk about my feelings, admit I am wrong, and ask for forgiveness. I share my heart with others when I speak and am vulnerable.

Eternal in Focus

When I was a slave to sexual immorality, all that I could see were my circumstances, my needs, and my desires. Without an eternal focus I remained selfish -- the fuel that ignites and feeds sexually immoral practices. But, after starting to see and appreciate God's perspective, plan and ways, my vision was magnified and focused like a powerful telescope. I no longer was held captive by temporary pleasures that are destructive in the long run. God taught me (and keeps teaching me) that His eternal perspective is key to living a life of loving God and others. This eternal focus changed my life and keeps me on track today. I now desire and value healthy relationships with God, my wife and other men so much more than the temporal pleasures I once sought from selfish sexual practices.

Networking with Others

Developing relationships with other men who faced struggles with sexual sins was very important in breaking free, and continues to keep me on track. Other PROVEN Men are safe in being vulnerable, open and honest without the fear of being judged. They also hold me accountable and encourage me when temptations seem great.

The importance of others cannot be understated. I vividly remember the first time I heard a man say that he struggled with masturbation. I was shocked that he admitted it, but I was grateful. I had thought that I would take my secret life of lust and masturbation to the grave without ever telling another person. Having heard another Christian man admit his struggles gave me strength and encouragement to one day admit my own. Afterwards, I linked up with other men that faced similar struggles. We encouraged each other in many ways, such as praying for each other, calling each other during the week, and sharing struggles and victories. Networking in this way is the model Jesus taught. He did not send out His disciples alone, but two by two (Mark 6:7; Luke 10:1).

Maintaining friendships and accountability with those who are passionate for God helps keep my eternal perspective and reliance upon the Lord. I need others, and cannot go it alone.

Conclusion

I am convinced that the only (yes only!) road to freedom from sexual bondage begins with a close and dependent relationship with Jesus. It includes incorporating each of the elements of a PROVEN life. By having such right relationships with God and also with others, I no longer need or want the false intimacy and sexual impurity in my life that was fueled by selfishness and pride.

Will you to turn to the Lord Jesus Christ right now and trust Him to free you from sexual bondage. Begin a transition in your life this moment to have a Christ-centered life, and purpose to live out a PROVEN life. Then stay the course and never give up. Jesus promises He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Instead, He promises that if you completely trust in Him you will not be tempted beyond what you can bear and that He will provide you with a way out so that you can stand up under it (1 Corinthians 10:13). So stop striving in your own strength and turn over complete control of your life to the Lord each and every day.

I hope that my testimony is an encouragement to you, and that you join me in living out purity as our spiritual act of worship by the power of the Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 12:1-2).

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