Proven Men Ministries, Ltd.
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Rockville, MD 20855
info@ProvenMen.org

A Key to Breaking Free From the Grip of Pornography

by Proven Men Ministries, Ltd.

Fighting to overcome pornography or other sexually compulsive activities is one of the most difficult struggles many will face in life. It can seem like you are the only one in the battle. There are many self-help books written to overcome one’s addiction to pornography, but they never seem to bring lasting relief. You keep asking yourself, “Why doesn’t it work for me? Why am I still in bondage to sin?”

One thing missing from a self-directed healing path is accountability. Just how important is accountability? Well, no serious athlete would compete without a coach, no successful business lacks managers, and no government exists without various forms of accountability. So why would anyone plan to battle by themself the sin they have yet to overcome on their own after years of trying? Let’s face it, we all need accountability. In fact, God designed you to be accountable to others, because there is something that inspires the soul in relationships.

What holds you back from living this out? Perhaps pangs of shame, guilt, or self-condemnation strike fear in your heart at the thought of openly sharing with others your failures and struggles. Maybe your pride and stubbornness won’t let you admit you need the help of anyone. Whatever your particular reason for shying away from accountability, one of the largest barriers to experiencing lasting freedom is a refusal to link up with others.

Accountability Invites God to Act in Your Life

Accountability is God using others to shape your life to act in conformity with His image and will; a life intended to be free from bondage to strongholds of this world and one of freely worshiping and experiencing the Lord. Godly accountability has less to do about you trying to stop a particular sin as much as it has to do with engaging your heart in loving and serving others, which invites God to act in and through your life. Consider this verse:

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us (1 John 4:12).”

God is stating that His love is made complete in you as you love others. Therefore, how can you expect to get well if you isolate yourself and refuse to engage in accountability the way the Lord designed it? Again, it is by opening your life to others that you yourself are made complete.

Consider the Dead Sea. It is a tremendous body of water, which has all of the elements for sustaining abundant life. Yet, the sea is dead. It is dead because, unlike all other seas, it is fed by many inlets but has no outlets feeding other waterways. By only permitting incoming water with no outflowing tributaries, it retains heavy quantities of salt and other impurities that kill life.

Your life will be similarly choked with impurity if you merely seek to receive God’s blessings or to be served by others. As you try to hold inside goodness or blessings, you end up stagnating as you restrict outflows. It is your refusal to look to the interests of others and extend heartfelt comfort and compassion that causes bitter waters of lust and other sins stemming from selfishness and pride to remain inside your soul.

In short, like a healthy sea, accountability is a two way exchange, keeping both healthy and pure. In fact, by looking outside of yourself and linking with an accountability partner, you accept the Lord’s comfort as you allow that comfort and healing to flow through you (2 Cor. 1:3-5).

Biblical Accountability Partnerships

The Bible paints a vivid picture of the partnering relationship that develops through accountability. Consider the following ways the Lord says you are to be mutually accountable to others:

• helping in time of need (Proverbs 17:17)
• providing instruction (Romans 15:14)
• comforting in times of sorrow (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
• serving in love (Galatians 5:13)
• gently restoring (Galatians 6:1)
• carrying burdens for one another (Galatians 6:2)
• speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)
• admonishing wilful disobedience (Colossians 3:16)
• building up in the faith (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
• correcting wrong conduct (2 Timothy 4:2)
• encouraging daily (Hebrews 3:13)
• spurring on love and good works (Hebrews 10:24)
• meeting together for worship (Hebrews 10:25).

Clearly, accountability is centered upon open relationships, requiring you to concentrate on others instead of yourself, your rights, your expectations, and your circumstances. By removing yourself from the center, you not only will be useful in the lives of others, but you gain an eternal perspective so necessary for living out a PROVEN™ life. (See Appendix at the end.)

In addition, true accountability positions you to engage in spiritually mature toles in aiding others, such as:

• keeping confidences (Proverbs 16:28, 17:9)
• warning others to flee idolatry (1 Corinthians 10:14)
• encouraging to purify self (2 Corinthians 12:1)
• inspiring to stand firm (Philippians 4:1)
• warning against being idle (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
• urging to abstain from sin (1 Peter 2:11)
• pointing towards heaven and staying pure (2 Peter 3:14)
• reminding to love others (1 John 4:7)

In short, an ”accountability partner” is just that, a partner. Each are co-pilgrims, sharing similar goals and desiring the other to succeed. Both support supports, serves and spurs the other. As iron sharpens iron, so do two PROVEN Men. (Proverbs 27:17).

Practical Matters For Accountability Partnerships

Are you ready to follow the Lord’s teachings and ways by incorporating accountability into your life? Below are some practical ways of beginning the process.

Choosing Your Accountability Partner. Your accountability partner should be someone with a similar goal of seeking after the Lord with all of their heart. They do not necessarily need to struggle with the same sin, but it is very important that they have a soft heart and want to grow closer to the Lord. (Don’t eliminate someone merely because they are not a spiritual giant. It is a heart that desires to grow that makes them a great “partner ”.)

One of the biggest obstacles to including accountability in the healing process is a reluctance to be vulnerable with others. However, because it is so important, commit to being open and honest with others and be willing to push through discomfort. Healthy accountability requires each person to share intimate details regarding their struggles, failures, hopes, dreams and victories. This means purposing to recognize and talking about feelings. It also requires both having the freedom and expectation of asking the other hard personal questions. (Of course, confidences must be kept, because nothing breaks down a relationship faster than gossip (Proverbs 11:13, 16:28, 20:19).)

Finally, your primary accountability partner cannot be a spouse (or any other person of the opposite sex). There are many reasons for this, including that you need to develop non-sensual, intimate relationships in order to foster a better overall relationship with your spouse. Also, it is damaging to a marriage to turn it into an accountability relationship, especially in the area of sexual sins. For instance, it often leads to a spouse engaging in a heightened role of looking for and finding faults in order to point out every sin committed. Moreover, it is not necessarily in the best interest of a spouse to know every minute detail of sexual sins, which can cause needless damage. For example, you should not confess to your spouse each and every lustful thought, which likely includes their friends. This will make your spouse feel insecure, inadequate and jealous. In short, you need a safe place to confess your sins in godly accountability.

Finding an Accountability Partner. Your local church is one of the best places to look. For instance, you can meet and develop relationships with others at a variety of functions, such as prayer meetings, Bible studies, breakfasts, church sponsored sports activities or other outings, prayer or other corporate meetings, or by joining small groups. In addition, ask a pastor or other church leader for potential accountability partners. Many churches also have men’s and women’s ministry leaders whom you can talk to for help finding accountability. (These principles apply equally for teens looking for accountability. Of course, a teen would contact the Youth Pastor and also look to youth ministries at church. In addition, there are some good outside Christian organizations to consider as potential places to look, including Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Navigators, Youth for Christ, or Young Life.)

Finding an accountability partner requires moving outside your comfort zone. It even requires taking the initiative. Despite any pain, it will be worth it, because it not only puts the final stamp on your new PROVEN life by networking with others, but it fosters growth in each of the other essential components by provides a platform for passionately praising God, repenting over sins, engaging in open relationships, striving for victory, and maintaining an eternal focus. There is simply no replacement for this type of personal interactions with others.

Deciding to Take the Risk. Right now you may be facing a huge dilemma: “If I don’t gain accountability, I won’t experience lasting freedom and live a PROVEN life; but if I do share my struggle with others in the church, I may be judged or rejected.” This fear is real, and it is what keeps most Christians planted in the pews and stuck in their secret and sin. However, our sins must be exposed to light to be eradicated, and accountability is a primary method. That does not mean that there will not be pain in the process or that people won’t fail you. Yet, stay the course. If one accountability relationship does not work, keep trying. Freedom is not a one shot deal, but part of a new and lasting PROVEN lifestyle. Accept that God is sovereign and will provide you with all the strength you need in all circumstances and difficulties. As you discover that God can be trusted, more walls around your heart will tumble and you will eventually stop seeking to replace the false intimacy offered by pornography and fantasy for the real relationships you were designed to have.

Using Striving For Absolute Purity Study. The 12-week workbook study named Striving for Absolute Purity was specifically designed for use with accountability partners and can be a terrific way to initiate or strengthen accountability. First, each personally opens their heart to change while meeting with the Lord during the daily study. Second, the study incorporates times of prayer for your accountability partner. Third, the study is geared towards weekly discussions.

Conclusion

Over one-half of people struggle with sexual impurity. Most, however, remain in bondage because they do not want to risk seeking out accountability. Won’t you break the mold to please the Lord, to discover personal freedom, and to help other men needing an accountability partner? Don’t stop short of God’s promises and power by remaining isolated and closed. Choose today to take all steps necessary to network with another in open and honest accountability.

Please stay connected! Also, drop us an encouraging note (info@ProvenMen.org) and keep us in your prayers.

Appendix

Living Out a PROVEN™ Life

Do you really want to get well? The Lord asks this question to cut through your justifications or self-deceit (John 5:6). In order to be ready to receive His healing, you must be willing to do “whatever it takes.” Therefore, stop simply fixating upon a single sin and begin longing to live out your twin purposes in life – loving God with all of your heart and looking out for the interests of others (Matt. 22:37-39).

The PROVEN model for living out a holy and pure life can be summed up as being:
Passionate for God - - realizing that you were created to worship God and share intimacy with Him developed through a lifestyle of praise, worship and prayer. You will be changed from the inside out as you passionately pursue the Lord!

Repentant in Spirit - - acknowledging that apart from God you can do nothing (John 15:5). Fall upon your face in sorrow for seeking to control your life and living independently from the Lord. By confessing and turning from each sin as it occurs you will remain dependent upon and close to God.

Open and Honest - - opening yourself to the rich daily intimacy God designed you to experience and enjoy with Him and others. It is your refusal to allow feelings or to be vulnerable with others which draws you into a world of false intimacy where pornography and self-centered sexual practices thrive. As you purposefully engage in real and open relationships and accountability (accepting the painful moments along the way), you will stop living a double-life.

Victorious in Living - - acting solely in God’s strength sets you free from bondage to sin. Each moment you live by the Spirit of God, you will not gratify the desires of the world (Gal. 5:16).

Eternal in Perspective - - fixing your eyes upon Jesus and centering yourself in the knowledge of your eternal dwelling place. By removing your focus upon your rights and circumstances, you put to death the self-centered desires which are the roots of sexual sin.

Networking with others - - sharpening your spiritual life upon the iron of another. Godly accountability defeats secrecy, pride and self-reliance, which are the basic tools Satan uses to ensnare people. Forming healthy accountability relationships also provides an opportunity to serve others and a basis for growing spiritually.