By: Lexie Smith
How We Met
Dating in today’s world is tough. Especially when you graduated with a degree in psychology and did a bunch of research on how porn affects the brain. Add that with a decade of sexual abuse as a child and it’s a miracle I would even consider dating at all.
That’s the power of God’s love though. When He has brought you back from the grave, you start to believe in resurrection.
I met this awesome guy at Church. He had a crush on me for over a year and finally got the guts to ask for my Facebook. He was surprised when I gave him my number. The candor didn’t stop there, though. I asked him at the end of our second date if he’d ever had a porn problem and if he had any accountability partners in his life. As you can imagine, he was completely taken off guard, but 100% honest with me. That’s how I knew I could date him, because I could trust him from the beginning.
He was first exposed to porn at the age of 10 when he mistyped a game site he was going to. I knew that the effects on such a young mind are detrimental, but I never had a “head for the hills” reaction. As long as he kept moving forward and stayed open and honest with me about his process, I was cool.
Has it been easy, nope. Vulnerability is never easy, but we learned to fight our battles through honesty, and now our relationship is stronger than most couples I know. I don’t pester him about it. I trust him, but that’s something I’ve had to fight for. If trust isn’t there, people never develop — in any relationship.
The unconditional love and grace of the gospel was the foundation we were building on. He would update me every so often when he hit a milestone. We would celebrate every victory and he sought out strong men to keep him accountable.
My part to play
It wasn’t all on him though. We talked about sexual boundaries and how I could keep from putting him in a bad place. Obviously, he is a typical guy and I could be covered in crap and he would still find me irresistible, but I did my part in not doing anything that would put him over the edge.
We have gone on many “cool off” walks, and we’ve found healing and growth by allowing our relationship to be a process of trial and error. Yes, that means we did fail. Guess what, that’s ok! You’re going to mess up, and that’s where grace empowers: It puts us on our feet and makes our walk that much stronger. The problem comes in when people violate grace and do what they please — that’s not living out grace, that’s just living out a lie.
In a relationship, everyone carries responsibility.
Learning to be Pure
You are allowed to have a process and failing miserably is not the end of the world. But you can’t stay in failure. Get back up. Get smarter every time, know Jesus through it, and eventually you won’t be such an easy target. I can say by watching my boyfriends’ process that the more he has let people in the less shame he carries and the stronger we’ve become.
No one has judged him for his struggle or loved him less. In fact, he has more friends than ever.
There is hope for every single one of you to overcome and have healthy relationships. I know that because of the promise of Romans 8:28 —
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Even if the “bad” in your life feels like it’s your fault, don’t forget you have an enemy who wants to take you out. I don’t care what you’ve gotten into. God can do ANYTHING.
Take responsibility, but then take on Jesus’ identity.
Are you looking for a God who can do anything?
When you read in God’s Scripture about talking animals and dead people coming back to life on the regular, you start to think differently. It’s amazing what you begin to notice once that mental shift takes place. It’s never that God isn’t at work, it’s that we are standing behind a wall and we need to move in order to see what He’s doing. That shift in perspective is what the key was for me to say “yes” to walking this journey out with my boyfriend in patience, love, encouragement, and faith. That’s what Christ did for me, and that’s what He is calling us to do for others.
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
If you are a guy trying to figure out at what point you tell a girl, or anyone, about your struggle, don’t just use my experience. As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit within us. He is our compass. Every person is different, the principle here is that both my boyfriend and I have been intentional about loving Jesus first, being in community, and not allowing darkness to have a home in our relationship. More often than not, we know what we need to do, we’re just afraid to do it.
My boyfriend and I bring everything first to the Lord then to each other. He has lead us on how to navigate every bump in the road, and I know He will be faithful to lead you as well. It may not be the answer you want or the timing you wish, but His way is always the best for you.
Trust me. I’ve messed up enough to know. But then, I bet you have too.
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Lexie Smith is a coffee connoisseur and avid dog lover living in Nashville, TN. She has a degree in Psychology from Lee University and attends The Belonging Co. Church. Lexie has been fighting sex-trafficking for 6 years, partnering with non profit organizations, to help people find redemption and live undefined by their circumstances.
Lexie blogs at www.lexiespeaks.com/blog. You can follow her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/AdvocateLexieSmith/ or on Instagram at @_Lexie_Smith