By: Cale Baker
Don’t you love how porn doesn’t require anything from you? We’re free to demand and consume without it ever asking for anything in return. Or at least that’s the lie we’re sold.
Becoming a burden
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with feeling like a burden, and this feeling created fertile ground for an ugly addiction. My struggles with constantly feeling burdensome began with my dad showing me the bills in my early adolescents. His motivations were good, a father just wanting to teach his son about adulthood and future responsibilities. Unfortunately, these weren’t the lessons I learned. I remember standing beside him in the den of my house as he pulled out a bill, pointing to the number printed on the page and saying, “one day, you’ll have bills of your own.” But, what I heard was “you’re costing the family all this money.”
To me, the young preteen, it was so much money, and all the money I was costing my parents subconsciously produced a narrative within me that said, “You’re a burden.”
A Burden to Jesus
To counter that narrative, I started living under my own destructive mantra: “Do everything you can to never be a burden on anybody,” and as I continued to grow up, I filtered my understanding of Jesus through this faulty narrative. Jesus tells us to serve others, to turn the other cheek, and to bear other’s burdens, so I was ready to heed all these charges and ask nothing in return. And I mean nothing. I convinced myself that there was nothing to ask. I abandoned part of my humanity and convinced myself that I didn’t have needs. I had already learned to never be a burden, so forsaking my needs simply seemed like what Jesus would want.
Therefore, I abandoned my needs because I had already learned to never be a burden on anybody.
Then came pornography.
Porn, My Savior
I still remember the first time I encountered porn. I was at a friend’s house and we were watching a movie that had explicit content. I didn’t really know what to do with it, but before I knew it, I was home alone, exploring the Internet, seeing things I didn’t even know existed. I was young, and porn was fun. The stimulation was even liberating because I finally found a place where I wasn’t a burden.
I had committed to never be a burden to anyone, but that just meant I carried around my burdens. They were eating away at me and I needed a release. Porn provided that for me. I didn’t have to worry about caring for the people on my screen. Their burdens became irrelevant. They were just a fantasy, and in this fantasy, I could ask ask ask, and never be asked of anything in return. I finally found a place where I could be a burden and have needs without feeling like I was asking for too much.
I knew it was wrong to lust, but I didn’t realize that lust wasn’t fully my issue. I needed Jesus to show me that lust and pornography were just an escape for something deeper. I had a problem with not knowing how to fully flesh out my own needs, and I longed for a place to be free of the burdens stacking up all around me. That was the deeper issue Jesus needed to show me. Porn was just an easy escape. Easy escapes, however, hardly provide any lasting freedom, but it’s in the easy escapes that we often look for refuge, and for that matter, we usually don’t have to do much searching. They’re simply right there in front of us.
Thankfully, Jesus steps in and shows us a different way—a freedom that lasts.
Actually Free
Jesus gives numerous illustrations for what it looks like to follow him, but one of my favorites is that of the vine. He says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). It’s so simple. “Abide in me.”
Branches find their nutrients in the vine, but so often, instead of pursuing the Vine, we try to pursue the fruit. Too often, we try to fight the sin of lust to produce the fruit of purity; fruit, however, can’t grow without nutrients. Fighting for purity without abiding in the Vine kills the fruit. If we cut a grape from the vine from which it gathers life, the grape will die—so too will our fight for purity die unless we continue to abide in the True Vine.
It wasn’t until I learned what it really looked like to abide in Jesus, to remain in him, that I began to see him change my heart. I still struggle with feeling like a burden, and day in and day out, porn calls my name. But, Jesus is showing me how to give him my burdens. He is teaching me how to sit in his presence, and in his presence, he is showing me the deeper issues, along with his deeper affection for me. His cross teaches me that it’s safe to give him my burdens. He shows me that I can have needs. He meets me in my place of need. And, in the meeting, he gives me freedom.
Cale Baker is currently working on a Masters degree in English at Liberty University. He works as a Graduate Student Assistant where he gets to teach English to college freshmen. Cale feels most fulfilled when he gets to teach, read and write, and hang out with people. If he could do all of these for the rest of his life, he’d be a happy camper.