From Hopelessness to Healing
By: Brian Becker
4 min read
First Exposure
My name is Brian and I’m a recovering sex addict. That’s how I’ve been introducing myself in recovery meetings for nineteen years. I’m also a husband, father and a grandfather. Let me tell you about how the hardest day of my life was also the best day.
At the age of 12 I discovered a hard-core pornographic magazine along a country road. I was a naïve farm boy, and had never seen anything like that before. Unfortunately, it introduced me to a whole new way of escaping from the intense emotional pain I was experiencing from the recent death of my 18-year old sister and the effects of a father who was frequently verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
I vividly recall the first time I opened that magazine, feeling as if I’d been plugged into an electrical current. I was aroused and felt intoxicated. But I had no idea of the battlefield I’d just entered. Over the coming years my “affair” with porn grew from fascination, to obsession, to full-blown addiction.
By the time I was in my mid-twenties I was regularly wasting many hours a week, late into the night, lusting and masturbating to pornography. I was also married and had two young children. To make matters worse I had a job that required 10-15 days a month of travel, and hotel porn movies were just emerging. A few years later as the internet exploded, so did my use of porn in my home office. This was like giving free candy to a kid or, more to the point, crack to drug addict.
The Affair…
Over the next few years, I crossed boundaries that I could have never imagined, and I eventually had a complete moral failure and was unfaithful to my wife. Over time I literally destroyed myself from the inside out, promising to quit time and time again, but then breaking my promise. In hindsight I see that this is a typical path for an addict.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming my family for my problems. I made many bad decisions for which I take full responsibility, but I also know now that my story is, unfortunately, all too common. Today millions of men (and women) are suffering the destructive effects of lust primarily fueled by porn.
The research shows that approximately 80% of men age 18-30 visit porn websites monthly, and that the average age that boys first view porn is 11. If this issue were viewed as a medical problem, it would be regarded as a pandemic due to its scale. And many States in America considering pornography as just that, a public health crisis.
Pornography does not discriminate. It knows no boundaries in terms of age, race, religious background, marital status or income. I refer to it as an equal opportunity destroyer. If you mess with it to`o often, and for too long, you will be seriously, negatively impacted. The guilt and shame I felt were crippling for me. I swore that I would take my sick secrets to the grave, not realizing that the devil loves secrets.
Telling My Family
Eventually, I became so sick of myself…my mistakes, lies, and secrets that I determined to reveal my story to my wife. If I was ever to have integrity as a Christian man, husband and father, I needed to bring my secrets into the light and be honest with those I loved. And I did so, knowing that this could mean the end of my marriage and family as I knew it. If I was ever going to be able to have any integrity, I believed that my family deserved to know who I really had become.
The day I told my wife that I had been unfaithful and was addicted to pornography was the most afraid I’d ever been in my life, and it was also the most important day. That day I became transparent about the depths of my sin and my desire to do whatever was necessary to rebuild the relationships I damaged.
While my intentions were good, my honesty was like dropping a bomb on my family. Author and scholar Parker Palmer wrote, “Where do people find the courage to live divided no more when they know they will be punished for it?” I destroyed the trust and love that once existed. It wasn’t until I aligned my values with my actions, and demonstrated my commitment to my family and recovery, that the trust had a chance to be rebuilt.
The next several years were challenging. Understandably, my wife was deeply hurt. The foundation of everything she thought our life was built upon had been shaken, and she was unsure that she wanted to stay married. But over time, with lots of conversation, answered prayer, support from friends and family, true healing and forgiveness became a reality.
Healing: 19 Years Later
Nineteen years have passed since then. I still regularly attend recovery meetings and connect with Christian men who hold me accountable. The guilt and shame I felt was actually serving a useful purpose. It was compelling me to do the right thing. By the grace of God, I got humble, I got honest, and I got help.
Today, I give thanks to God for the new life made possible in Christ and the healing power of the Holy Spirit. While my relationship with my family isn’t perfect, it’s far more emotionally healthy than it ever was before. The trust, love and laughter have returned. The bonds that exist in my family today are there not because I’m such a good person, but rather because God’s love is so powerfully at work in us.
If you are reading this and have yet to get honest about the depths of your addiction…it’s never too late to take the first step in the right direction. Jesus said in John 8, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” And a few verses later he said, “And if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
It took me a long time to realize that precisely in the root of my failure was the key to healing. Through repentance and hard truths told to those I loved came the power of forgiveness and new life made possible in Christ.
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Brian is founder of Leaders Edge, LLC, a boutique consulting firm focusing primarily on helping nonprofits develop high-performing teams, become more sustainable and deliver high impact. He also provides leadership coaching to executives and aspiring leaders.
Brian is also co-author, along with is son Jeff, of Tender Lions: Building the Vital Relationship Between Father and Son. The book provides information and inspiration for dads (and moms) who want to develop strong emotional, relational and spiritual bonds with their sons (and daughters).
Since 1991, Brian has consulted and provided training to organizations like the American Association of Physician Leadership, Amgen Pharmaceuticals, American Veterinary Medical Association, Illinois Society of Association Executives, the Joint Commission, Housing Forward, Maywood Fine Arts and Rotary International. His work primarily focusses on strategic planning and board development with nonprofits, as well as building and improving a culture of trust and high performance through leadership development.
Brian is a frequent workshop leader and conference speaker, having delivered over 1,000 presentations in the last 25 years throughout the United States, as well as Canada, England, Singapore, South America and Puerto Rico.
He is also a husband, dad, and grandfather.
c 708-710-4100 e – briancarlbecker@gmail.com www.leadersedge.me @beckerbits