By: Allie Joy Hudson
5 min. read
If you know me or if you’ve read my blogs before, you’ve probably noticed that I’m pretty open in talking about sex. Sex is such a gift and a beautiful reflection of Jesus’ love for His people. I think it’s really important to talk about it in a way that recognizes these truths and is free from shame.
When I was engaged, I remember asking trusted mentors and friends candid questions about sex. If I have friends that are getting married, I’ll share practical advice with them. I talk and write about the heart behind and importance of sex often.
But here’s my confession to you: If my husband and I come across something difficult in our sex life, it’s really hard for me to talk about it and ask for help. I’d much rather try to figure something out on my own or do a quick Google search instead of confiding in an experienced mentor or friend.
Why do I do this, especially when I talk about sex often and advocate for discussing these things? It makes me sad that my questions (probably questions that many, many others have, too) embarrass me. Is it pride? Shame? Fear? An unwillingness to receive help?
So, this is my confession to you, readers. I struggle with talking about sex in a way that is real and vulnerable too sometimes. I don’t know where you are in this, but if it’s at all hard for you to talk about sex too, please read on. Let’s work on this together.
“The church really does need to be better about talking openly about sex.” People say this all the time, myself included. What would this actually look like, though?
As I said, there are many difficult areas to tackle and discuss when it comes to sex, whatever relational stage you’re in.
If you’re unmarried, you probably have questions like this: How do I cope with feelings of sexual desire? What if I never marry? How far is too far to go with my significant other?
And if you’re married, you might be thinking through things like this: What if my spouse and I have different sex drives? How do we stay faithful to each other? What if sex isn’t enjoyable or is difficult? How do I love my spouse well?
Sex and the Church
As believers, we definitely need to recognize and lead with the fact that sex is a good gift rather than approaching sex from a place of shame. But we also need to acknowledge that there are a lot of questions that people have about sex, many of which don’t have a neat, easy answer.
No, what we need is for us as believers to be able to have a healthy, candid dialogue about sex and sexual integrity that’s built on trust, love, and the bond we have because we’re family. And while it’s crucial to use discernment in how we talk about sex and in whom we talk to, we should still talk about it.
What would it be like to learn about sex as a good thing, in a healthy way, in a safe space? We would eliminate so much hurt, confusion, unhealthiness, lust, and addiction if our source for learning about sex was an environment that loves God and cares for each other instead of an internet site that has no one’s best interest in mind.
How to Talk About Sex Well
I would love if the family of believers could experience an openness and trust like this. So how do we get there? Here are a few quick thoughts:
- If you have questions (we all do), find someone you trust to talk with. Whether this is a mentor or a counselor, look for someone with more experience than you who would be willing to listen to you and share their wisdom.
- Once you have a mentor, continue to meet with them. This goes for people in any stage of relationship: single, dating, engaged, or married. As we grow and change, there are always new things to discover. Let this time with your mentor be a safe space to share, ask hard questions, receive new perspective, and refocus on Jesus.
- Be wise in what you share (consider the intimacy of sex between a husband and wife) and in how you share it (there’s a difference between asking for help and gossip or complaining), but be willing to share and to ask for help and advice. I’m talking to myself in this too!
- Find someone you can pour into. Are you newly married? Help someone who’s dating or engaged to walk through the process well. Have you been married for years? Offer a listening ear to a newlywed. Are you single? Share your voice and the lessons you have learned with those around you.
- We need to confess our sins to each other, and we can do this freely because Jesus has covered us in His grace. We can and should share about the ways God has grown and worked in us. Let’s talk about sex in a way that honors the Creator of sex. There is no need for shame. Let these truths frame the way you have conversations about sexual integrity.
These are just a few ways we can work towards creating an environment where we as believers can talk about sex with openness, trust, and integrity. Let’s try to put these things in practice. I’ll be working on this right along with you.
God’s design for sex is beautiful. No matter what relational stage we’re in, it’s something we, as sexual beings, need to steward well. Figuring out how to sift through feelings of sexual desire, how to view sex in a healthy way, and how to navigate your sex life with your spouse can be challenging. This is something we have to learn, and we need to do so in community. There should be no shame in that!
Jesus calls us to live life with each other, as family. Let’s honor Him and support one another as we learn, share, and grow together.
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Allie Joy Hudson is first and foremost a daughter of the King. She has worked with Proven for two and a half years and serves as the Content Manager. Allie graduated from Liberty University with a B.A. in English and minors in Spanish and Psychology. She completed her Senior Honors Thesis on the presentation of postmodern sexuality in short fiction. She enjoys reading, writing, playing the viola, running, singing, and photography. Allie is passionate about her ever-growing C.S. Lewis collection, cultivating relationships, and proclaiming truth in the twisted arena of postmodern sexuality. Allie lives in Pennsylvania and is overjoyed to be married to the love of her life.