A special thank you to our podcast guest, Sam Jolman on his book: The Sex Talk You Never Got!
The Sex Talk You never got: sam jolman
“We cannot love that which we don’t talk about.” When Sam Jolman wrote that in his seminal work, The Sex Talk You Never Got, it hit me right between the eyes. Growing up, my family was not one of such secrecy, of implicit shame and isolation. And thank God for that. Yet I have encountered countless families where that has been the rule of life. Even in the Church, our people just do not want to talk about sex. The barebones presentation tends to be a basic anatomy & physiology presentation followed by some cautionary woes. In far too many circles, the expectation is usually little more than don’t contract a disease and don’t make an unwanted pregnancy. A cursory glance at our prevailing culture, both inside and outside the household of faith, reveals that we must do better. We have been silent and complicit far too long already.
The Culture We’ve inherited
Even in Christian households, where virginity *is* a virtue, where sex is meant to be saved until marriage, we still don’t hear much about chastity. How many can even define that term nowadays? I suspect that most would errantly think it coterminous with celibacy. What is the heart of our sexuality? Where do we find our souls in these erotic encounters with another godling before us? What is the meaning of sex and is there any more to it than mere procreation or selfish gratification? This is the sex talk you (very likely) never got.
So, let’s talk about it. Let’s peer into the wonder of our Edenic birthright and native habitat. Would that our Adams became awestruck by the wonder of their Eves. How much glory is awaiting us again in the rediscovery of our own imago dei‽ We have eternity in our hearts and deep calling unto deep. Our hearts are made for oceanic levels of intimacy, our spirits created to sojourn the shoreline of infinity. We would disservice ourselves as well as everyone we ever encountered if we did not heed this wondrous invitation to become hospitable to our own story.
the story we’ve missed
“Lust of the eyes is not too much sexual desire – it’s too little reverence, too little awe.” Sam Jolman wisely inverts our imaginations with this single line. Our collective upbringing has inadvertently wrapped sex in construction zone hazard tape rather than gild it in the glory of God’s original story. Adam is spellbound by Eve, captivated at the mere sight of her. The lover in the Song of Songs *must* behold his beauty and honor her in poetic verse. The Bible as a whole tells one single story of a loving God relentlessly wooing the bride of His people, His beloved.
Yes, lust is a problem, However, an anemic understanding of misplaced desire is not the solution. Knowing the heart of our Creator is. “A father gives good gifts to his children.” Surely that must be true when it comes to the most quintessential quality of our beings. The Sex Talk You Never Got is a revisionist history of redemption and original blessing.
the invitation we’ve received
“Jesus does not simply rise from the dead. He comes back to play. This is a man who had experienced utter darkness, the deepest haunting of evil, hell itself in every way, the full weight of every sin ever committed. That is truly staggering and unimaginable. And he comes back as lighthearted and playful as a child… This God has convinced me he wants to help us all recover a healthy and alive sexuality. And it’s deeply possible.” Sam Jolman, The Sex Talk You Never Got
For all the guilt and shame that has overwhelmed so many precious people in this fallout of a sexual dystopia, we have nothing to fear as we recover ourselves in this story. Sex is God’s gift; our sexual natures are bound up in His essence; sexuality is nothing to shy away from but everything to lean into with wonder, delight, and awe. You are worth fighting for and your story is worth redeeming. How heartening it must be to know that you won’t be alone along the way.
– C.T. Giles