By: Anonymous
4 min. read
My Protector and Restorer
Shortly after the birth of one of our children, my husband (a pastor), wanted to come clean with a struggle he had been having and bring it to the light. Something he had dealt with years prior had resurfaced, and he was once again battling for his purity against pornography. The deep pain of betrayal and disappointment was quite real. My heart was breaking because of the one I naively thought would always be the one to protect it.
Over the next few weeks as I processed the conversation and my heart’s new reality, I searched for God to shine on my heart what was true. I “felt the feels” and put names to my feelings. I then offered them to the Lord, the true Protector and Restorer of my soul and asked Him to sort them out under His perfect care. He did that, and also in that time, He revealed a much greater picture of what was happening. He spoke things into my heart that helped me to heal, forgive, and be able to set my affection for my husband again.
If you are reading this, and your heart is in pieces, I want you to know that the true Protector and Restorer is waiting to do the same for you.
Here are just a few things He spoke over me:
Heart Message #1: We are in a battle.
There is a war waging for our marriage. God has ordained this relationship that beautifully reflects His relationship within the Trinity, and God’s enemy hates it. Satan declares war against this marriage relationship. He does what any decent war general would do – he studies his opponent. He knows our weak spots and is more than willing to expose them.
We too know we have weak spots, and we are to fortify them with God’s Word, putting on Christ, and living by the Spirit. In our personal walk with the Lord, we equip ourselves by practicing discipline, battling for holiness, and dying to self. We know that the more we do these things, the stronger our weak spots will become.
Taking the emotion out of it (which is hard to do in cases like ours), I realized that the enemy set a trap for us. He often does this as he attacks our purity and the strength of our marriages. In my husband’s case, his spiritual defense system was down, the enemy targeted his weak spots, and the trap worked.
Heart Message #2: You gotta get up.
We often hear the saying and may repeat it to our kids in the heat of a moment: “You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction.” There is a lot of truth in that, and like me, you may feel entitled to keep rolling in the pain of what was done to you by your husband. The betrayal stings, and at times we think we have the privilege to hold onto it as long as we want because it is our pain. However, if we knowingly linger in the pain and emotion of it all, it is not helping us to heal. It can actually cause more damage to our marriage.
In your hurt, let me encourage you once again to speak truth. You have an enemy that is trying to destroy your marriage. Restoration, forgiveness, rebuilt trust, hope, and undeserved grace are not anywhere in that strategy. He doesn’t want you to climb out of the pit and see you stand up on your feet with your head lifted. He doesn’t want God’s truth to take root in your mind and heart. Satan wants your marriage to be wrecked with distrust and pain. He wants you to stay low, feel small, and will constantly speak insecurity over you to keep you there.
You gotta get up. This was my part to play in the narrative – my reaction to what was done. Start getting up.
Heart Message #3: Be willing.
So, how do I get up? How do I set my affection on someone who hurt me? How do I trust again?
All of these are questions that I brought to the Lord in prayer, and in my brokenness, the Spirit spoke to me: Be willing. Be willing to follow my example. Time and time again we read stories in the Bible of Israel’s unfaithfulness to the Lord, yet He was willing to welcome them back into a relationship. It’s almost scandalous. If you read about the prophet Hosea, God actually told him to marry a harlot. The picture of Hosea’s longing for the devotion and faithfulness of his wife was a picture of God’s heart for His people.
Sometimes we can dismiss this and say, “Well God is perfect, so He can do that.” But I think we often skim past the “God is perfect” part too fast. God. Is. Perfect. There is no one who could be more offended by our sin, and who rightfully should be more offended by our sin. The one who set the moon and sun in place is repeatedly abandoned for the worship of something so small and fragile. Yet, by His grace, He was willing to welcome Israel back, and to welcome us back. To mend what was broken, to start again.
Though God does not take Israel’s sin or our sin lightly, and there are consequences to our actions, we know that restoration is close to God’s heart. He willingly and repeatedly demonstrates this, and His heart for me is to go and do likewise. Are we willing? Are you, my friend, willing?
Related: 10 Things I’ve Learned through My Husband’s Struggle with Lust
The Journey to Healing
I know my story is not your story. Your husband may not have willingly shared with you his struggle, or he may be active pursuing sin with no repentance. The truth is still the same. The enemy is targeting your marriage. He wants to keep you low and insecure while sitting in your pain.
But God’s grace is on active display when we choose forgiveness. I am praying that you will begin a journey, or stay on the journey to healing. God will find you there and restore you along the way. Blessings to you.
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