Porn in My Life
I remember the night my boyfriend told me about his porn addiction. I knew that he had struggled with porn in the past, but what he hadn’t told me was that he dragged it into our relationship. He watched porn for the first few months we were dating and didn’t tell me until a year later.
I was devastated. I didn’t know how to handle my hurt, and though he apologized profusely, I continued to hold his sin over his head. My trust in him was shattered. We tried to make things work for a miserable couple of months and then ended up breaking up.
Fast forward five years, and this man is now my husband.
When I reflect on the concept of rebuilding trust in a relationship after porn, I can tell you firsthand about the incredible reconciliation that God can do. I can also tell you that this process is ongoing. It takes time, and it can be painful. Just as God had to work in my husband to weed out his addiction and lust, He had to work in me to heal my heart and allow me to trust again.
Rebuilding trust is possible, but oftentimes it’s incredibly daunting for both spouses to look at this process and to know where to start. In his book The Porn Myth, Matt Fradd dedicates an entire chapter to this idea. He provides seven clear ways to restore trust. I’ve condensed this list into three things you and your spouse can do to start healing your relationship. Let’s dive in.
Who Acts First?
(Both men and women struggle with porn addiction. The scenario of one spouse watching porn could either apply to the husband or the wife. However, for the sake of simplicity in this article, I’ll refer to the porn viewer as the husband.)
When a wife first finds out about her husband’s addiction, she undergoes a vast range of thoughts and feelings. Fradd writes that in this scenario, “70 percent of wives fit the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder, often manifesting symptoms of fear, depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, insomnia, hypervigilance, and nightmares.”
After a porn addiction comes out into the open, healing clearly needs to take place for both parties. However, the person with the porn problem has to be the first one to take steps toward reconciliation.
The husband needs to start by honestly acknowledging that what he did was wrong – to God, to his wife, and to himself. Recognizing that he has fallen short and broken God’s heart and his spouse’s heart is a sobering reality. So, an apology also needs to include a recognition of the weight of his actions and the pain he has caused.
Shifting the blame can’t be an option. Ownership of sin is a healthy place to start in healing. This is true for Christians in everyday life. We must recognize that, like Paul, we too are the “chief of sinners” in need of a Savior. We can’t try hard enough to save ourselves. It is only through Jesus that we can receive forgiveness, redemption, and freedom.
Related: Why We Go to Porn Over our Wives
Communicate your need for repentance to your spouse. She needs to know that you realize and hate that you have hurt her and marred her trust in you.
How Can I Help My Spouse?
Once you have acknowledged the pain you have caused your spouse and asked for her forgiveness, you need to continue to be there for her. The apology is a very short part of the healing process. The next step takes much more time and grit. You must be there for your wife and create a safe space for her to process.
Be patient with her as she does the painful work of getting her thoughts and feelings out. This processing will include lots of ups and downs, and it looks different for every person and every situation. The point is that you are present, that you are truly listening, and that you let her speak without getting defensive.
(In the way of a disclaimer for the wives here: Process your wounds with Jesus first instead of heaping everything on your spouse right away. Jesus is the only One who can keep our pain from becoming bitterness. When you do talk through things with your husband, it is normal and okay for you to feel hurt. But this doesn’t give you the right to hurt him back. Please hear me; this is something that I really struggled with, and I did a lot of damage to Michael because of it. Be careful with your words. Lean heavily on Jesus for the ability to forgive and to love your husband even after he has betrayed you. Think about the way Jesus does this for us.)
Husbands, in addition to being there for your wife, encourage her to reach out to others for help too. I know that I’ve felt alone in struggling through the process of rebuilding trust. Many women do. Remind your wife that she doesn’t have to be alone. Of course, discernment is crucial in this area, but it is healthy for wives to have trusted confidants to go to.
Turning to my mentor and a few close friends when Michael and I were struggling filled me with hope and life. These women spoke comfort and truth to me, and they loved both Michael and me through those times.
Talking with other women gives your wife space to process her messy, confused thoughts apart from you. While this might be vulnerable for you, this can be very restorative for her. You can also encourage her to go to a counselor. Discovering your porn habit is a traumatic experience, and having a professional walk through this with your wife could help her (and you) a great deal.
Practical Steps
In addition to putting in the emotional work of rebuilding trust, implementing practical steps to help combat your porn habit will go a long way. These steps help cut off your access to porn and eventually decrease your dependence on it.
The main theme of these actions is accountability. Become accountable to others for what you are placing before your eyes.
First, cut off all access points to porn. The 2008 movie Fireproof comes to mind here. In the movie, the main character finally comes to terms with the destruction his porn habit has caused. So, he takes his computer out into the driveway and smashes it with a baseball bat.
While this is an extreme example, it makes a strong point. If you know of a place or situation (your triggers) for watching porn, cut them off. Avoid situations where you are on technology alone. Become responsible for what you are looking at. Install a software like Covenant Eyes on your devices. The more people know about your battle against porn, the better chance you have at being successful in it.
Reach out to trusted male friends and mentors and ask them to be intentional about holding you accountable. Have them check in with you often. Choose men that aren’t afraid to ask you directly about how you are doing.
Tell your wife about your action plan, and then check in with her regularly about your progress – on the steps, not on the details of your struggles. When your wife sees you implementing these things, it will help her mind to rest.
Following a plan of action has done wonders for my marriage. No, Michael didn’t take a bat to his computer, but he has implemented many of these steps. He has Covenant Eyes on all of his devices. He has an older phone (without Internet) instead of a smart phone. And he has a handful of men that he is accountable to. I’m so proud of the daily battle he engages in to honor God and me. I’ve seen him be victorious. You can be too!
This Will Make a Difference!
Pornography and mistrust are poisonous to a thriving marriage. But, when you take the time to acknowledge the ways you’ve hurt your wife, are present for her to process, and implement visible steps to cut off porn from your life, this will show your wife that you are serious about reconciliation and about her.
Rebuilding trust is very difficult, especially when it is broken over and over. But it is possible. This is truly only something Jesus can do. Only He can bring lasting freedom to both spouses. He frees us from slavery to sin, and He carries our burdens of anxiety and doubt.
If you are working on rebuilding trust with your spouse, I can tell you firsthand that these steps will change your marriage. Look to Jesus in every part of the process.
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Allie Joy Hudson is first and foremost a daughter of the King. She has been with Proven Men for over a year and serves in the position of Content Manager. Allie graduated from Liberty University with a Bachelor of Arts in English and minors in Spanish and Psychology. She completed her Senior Honors Thesis on the presentation of postmodern sexuality in short fiction. She enjoys reading, writing, playing the viola, singing, theatre, and photography. Allie is passionate about her ever-growing C.S. Lewis collection, cultivating relationships, and proclaiming truth in the twisted arena of postmodern sexuality. Allie lives in Pennsylvania and is overjoyed to be married to the love of her life.