3 min. read
Searching for Intimacy
I’ve always had a fascination with intimacy. Since I was a child, my deepest desire was to be known and to know someone on a deep level. I remember playing with my dolls and imagining that one day I would have a family. I wanted all the heartache I experienced as a child to be replaced with love and vulnerability.
As I spent my youth searching for “Mr. Right,” I was always good…but not good enough. I lost myself in wishes of experiencing a familial euphoria. I gave up things that could not be given back as I fantasized about having peace, happiness, and stability.
Although I struggled with my own demons of compromising my sexual integrity physically, I did not struggle with porn or masturbation. At its core, I struggled with wanting to be worthy of love…so much so, I was willing to give it all.
When my husband and I started dating, he was very open about his porn addiction and past struggles. He spoke so much about sexual integrity, it freaked me out! Each of us expressed our deep desire to go about our relationship in a radically different way. We both searched long and hard for love and had no room for sexual sin. What every girl wants, right? A man that can be open, who is pursuing integrity, relentlessly pursuing the one he loves with no apologies.
His affection was real and the very thing I longed for, but yet all I wanted to do was run!
The early parts of our marriage were HARD, I mean HARD! The very thing I wished for as a little girl had finally become a reality. I had a wide-open world of intimacy available to experience, but it was the very thing lurking in the corner, tilting its head back and laughing its taunting laugh at me, whispering familiar words to my soul: “You are good…just not good enough.”
I struggled in multiple ways. My husband was willing to meet me with his raw struggles and vulnerability, but I didn’t know how to accept it! My expectations weren’t realistic or fair. I was doing the very thing I hated: measuring. Was he deserving? He was good, but was he good enough? My love was anything but unconditional. All the trust my husband was deserving of was met with distrust as I stacked brick upon brick to protect myself from experiencing hurt.
My inability to receive intimacy boiled down to my inability to feel worthy – worthy of love, honesty, or vulnerability.
But the truth is that Jesus calls me worthy. He calls my husband worthy. And He calls you worthy.
Scripture says, “He who is forgiven much loves much” (Luke 7:40-50). Intimacy is ultimately love, and to “love much,” we must know what we have been forgiven of.
This process involves a lot of reflection and repentance. As we continue to realize and bring our sin before Jesus, He covers us in His grace. Jesus has forgiven both my husband and me of many things, misplaced motives and broken behaviors. He allows us to learn more and more of how to receive (and to extend) His forgiveness. And, in His kindness, He shows us how to love much – to better love Him and to love and trust each other. His love for us is perfect and unending, and He graciously calls us worthy. Let’s praise and thank Him for who He is.
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