By: Shane James O’Neill
This is an introduction to a topic that ProvenMen will regularly be addressing. Here at ProvenMen our values include the need for structured affirmation (aka ceremony). Men are addicted to porn because we don’t have settings for fathers to tell and show their sons how they are men, our friends are trapped in lust because we don’t have practices of transparency, and we’re not gaining freedom because we haven’t learned to be real.
One thing that our culture (Western and Christian) has all but completely lost is the practice of ceremony. Whether that loss is due to:
— the de-construction of family
— the rootless-ness of the mobile technology age
— that ‘tradition’ has come to be seen as a cultural vice
— or that the Church has taken a defensive stance that prevents proactive habits.
It’s probably fair to think that all of these reasons and many more play a role in neglecting identity celebration.
People
People are not static, nor is life. We move. We make new friends. We get new jobs. We purchase homes. We bring life into the world. We become parents. We learn to be sons and daughters. We learn what’s worth fighting for. We learn how to love. We learn how to grieve. And all of these developments require practice and necessitate affirmation, and all of these are coming-of-age expressions.
Any psychologist will tell you that we become who we are by seeing ourselves through the people around us and the experiences we encounter. Yet, if we don’t have life-markers for the events in our lives, then we miss the opportunity to actively shape those around us and to be shaped by those who most care for us.
A Picture From Scripture
A powerful example of a practiced identity-marker is what the patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac, Jacob) would do every time God revealed Himself to them. As these men grew up into their relationships with Yahweh, the fathers of faith would set up altars every time they had an encounter with God. These altars then became indicators for all subsequent generations to remember what God had done. These places and their history shaped the people’s understanding of God, their understanding of the land, their society and culture, and their understanding of themselves. Ceremonies of laughter, of mourning, of dance, of feasting and fasting, of dedication, vows, weddings and funerals, all took place around these sacred areas of identity. These locations, impregnated with the experiences of their fathers, were a kind of inheritance for the nation, that they might know God and themselves.
Culture of Honor
Ceremonies of honor are a developmental necessity for healthy human formation. God has performed The Ceremony of Adoption upon all of us, which He has commemorated by our coming together as his adopted family every week to know His Gospel and sit at his table, and by giving us the daily call to outdo one another in honor.
Fundamentally, the sexual abuse that takes place within porn, in our marriages, and in our fantasies is a reflection of dishonor. We don’t see ourselves rightly, and we don’t see others rightly. We don’t know that we are designed to reflect God. A major reason we live in a pornographic age is because people struggle to know who they are. We’re not learning practices about how to image God, only practices that teach us how to consume one another.
ProvenMen will regularly address ceremonies of identity formation. Boys learn how to walk in integrity from good fathers, and boys learn how to care rightly from good mothers. When the boys of a society aren’t becoming men, the first thing to ask is: Are fathers teaching their sons to love with force, and are mothers teaching their sons to love with affection?
In Conclusion
It is the responsibility of the Church, of fathers and mothers, and of friends, to create practices of affirmation for those they are loving, raising, and journeying with.
We grow in our Christian identity by practicing sonship and engaging in brotherhood. If these practices aren’t being worked out in the relationships and events of our lives, then we won’t ever grow past the lusts of our hearts. We cannot fight our current pornographic culture of dis-honor without creating a gospelized culture of honor.
Join us: We would like to hear how you practice affirmation within your community. Give us your thoughts below and get involved with one of our groups.
Shane James O’Neill is the Editorial Director for ProvenMen Ministries. He is currently working on a graduate degree in apologetics at Liberty University’s Rawling School of Divinity.