By: Ricky Bailey
Understanding Culture
Every culture has a narrative. I don’t just mean stories people use to try and make sense of life, but a script that has been written for the culture, and the people live it out nearly exactly. Our culture is no different. We have been sold a story of success and happiness, and we believe that we need to live out this specific story. In fact, we usually think it’s the only one that exists.
A major part of any cultural story is marriage. Every culture depends on the union between man and woman to survive, so it is no wonder that every culture has a narrative about what that relationship should look like. Of course, thousands of books could be filled with this single idea, but I want to focus on one aspect of this narrative in a few short words — and it is a touchy one. I want to talk about male leadership in marriage.
The marriage narrative is being re-scripted more and more into a story where the male isn’t the leader of the household. Family leadership is being re-cast to whichever partner fits that role more naturally. And I get why this new story is being written — the old narrative was poorly lived out.
What is the old, poorly lived, narrative? That it is possible for a man to lead his family without sacrificing for his wife. The wife needs to submit and the man needs to love, but that love can look like whatever the man wants it to look like.
I believe the most significant verse for men in reference to marriage is one of the most quoted – perhaps that is why it has become so diluted of its true significance.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25).
A New Narrative
This verse is just as much about male leadership as it is about loving your spouse. Too many men read this verse as a command to love, rather than a command of how to love.
Let’s consider a common scenario that occurs in our culture among married couples and compare them between the older poorly lived out narrative, and what I will refer to as the ‘Christ narrative’, derived from Ephesians 5:25.
Who Sacrifices?
Think of a family that uproots and moves to a different city for a new job or promotion. Whose job would you immediately assume the family uprooted for? Probably the husband, and probably because he was offered more money. That’s the old narrative, and we believe this narrative because we have bought into this idea that the woman is supposed to do the sacrificing in these decisions – even though Paul explicitly told men, not women, to love sacrificially. It seems that Paul (and more specifically, God) knew who would have a harder time with this.
Now, the Christ narrative would play out like one of the following: the husband agrees to move for the joy of the wife who is offered a new job; or, the family uproots to the new city for the husband’s job because the wife agrees with the husband that this is what God wants for their family; or, a more true account is that the husband declines the new job, and thus, declines the huge salary increase, because what his wife would have to sacrifice in friendship, church, and community rootedness is not worth giving up to have more money. Money cannot replace friendships, family, or community. So the family stays.
Loving Your Wife as Christ Loved the Church
As men, we often feel that we are solely responsible for our family’s income and that if we can make more money we are serving our family better. We believe an expensive toy will supplement the missed time with our children. We believe a nice car and better spending for our wives will make up for all the time we miss with them. The more money and stuff we can provide, the better husbands and fathers we become. The issue with that narrative is that it is totally counter to the biblical narrative and is what destroys many families.
The Bible teaches that to be a good husband is to sacrifice for the sake of your wife’s happiness and joy. Of course, this could go too far and the husband could make an idol out of his wife, but I have not met a man yet that is tempted to take sacrifice too far. The truth is, all of us could do a much better job of loving our wives sacrificially for the glory of God, putting their hopes and dreams above our own ambitions.
The husband should see himself as the provider of his family, a sacred duty bestowed upon him from God. But husbands and fathers should never forget that it is God who is the ultimate provider.
The husband must look at Jesus, who gave up all comfort, security, and even glory, so that he could serve, suffer, and die for the sake of his bride, the Church. If that is the model and mandate left to husbands for loving their wives, then really, what sacrifice is too great to make on their behalf?
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25).
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Ricky is the BCM college director for South Florida. He is a writer and speaker who is passionate for God’s glory and seeing college students spread it across the globe. When he is not working in college ministry, he spends his time reading, longboarding, and watching The Office at home in Miami with Stephanie, the woman he somehow convinced to marry him. You can follow Ricky on Twitter at @baileyrl48.