Read part 1 of Jennifer’s story, here.
By: Jennifer Troutt
“Sex Addict”
We were damaged and our marriage was in pieces. So, we decided to meet with our pastor and his wife — we just didn’t know what else to do. We needed a space that was safe so we could stop pretending and lying to ourselves.
During one of our first meetings together we heard words that cut us to the core. “Sex Addict.” I felt disgusted and shameful for being married to a man who could have this kind of title. My husband was angry that someone would accuse him of such a thing and he denied wholeheartedly that he was addicted to anything.
But as we continued on in our meetings, Wayne and I finally learned how to talk to one another. We talked about our struggles and temptations together, and we eventually realized that watching porn was more than a habit that was hard to kick. It was an addiction.
Looking at the Filth
So often men and women struggle to accept that something is out of control. Wayne and I both wanted to think that when he was ready to quit watching pornography, he would just quit. We quickly realized that the hole we were in was so much more complicated than that. It required a change of heart — a new kind of heart. Wayne came to grips with the fact that he had a pornography addiction, and that habit had fueled his desire to be unfaithful to me, his wife. This was the most difficult part because he didn’t want to accept the extent of his ‘habit’. He certainly didn’t want to admit to an ‘addiction.’ Though, eventually, he was able to.
Regaining Wayne’s sexual integrity also required communal accountability. Wayne talked with other men who had endured pornographic addiction – even men who had lost their marriages because of it. These men held him accountable and walked with him through times of temptation and struggling. But beyond everything else, it took God. It took a great, big, mighty, gracious, merciful, loving, and intimate God for us to overcome these tremendous struggles. And really, God was behind every aspect of our healing, guiding us into a new hope that we could embrace as a family.
my damage
As a wife, there were difficult areas for me to overcome, as well. I had anger pent-up in my heart. Anger ran so deep that it kept me up late at night and made me want to leave months after healing had already started.
I remember, there was at least a year when the names of the women he’d slept with would regularly just show up in my mind. This would rob me of my breath and ruin a perfectly good day in a matter of seconds. Learning to deal with that was one of the most difficult parts of overcoming what the unfaithfulness had done to me. I learned that I needed to hand those names over to God.
I would pray for God to take those names, those women, and just hold them until they learned that God loved them so much. It was hard and often praying for them was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was the only way I could actually move forward.
Praying for these women was the only thing that actually healed my heart.
Fighting for Value
The most difficult part of getting through the affairs and the porn was dealing with feeling worthless. Feeling ‘worthless’ was my most prevalent and long-lasting emotion. Honestly, it still peeks its head out at me today. I saw in those women – both the women from the affairs and the women in the porn – everything that I was not. It was as though all of my flaws were on display when I thought about those women. But like Wayne, I was only looking skin deep. I dismissed the fact that I was an incredible wife. I forgot the fact that I was a great mom. And I ignored the truth that I had been my husband’s number one supporter for so long.
Most importantly, I forgot that God, Himself, had called me worthy and beautiful and valuable. I had to learn to remind myself constantly that I was not defined by my husband’s mistakes. My past does not define me — I am more than the effects of his past addictions. I am so much more. I am the beloved of Christ and He fought for me with His life.
Fighting to believe and know this down in my bones has taken years to actually realize.
Getting back up!
Wayne’s porn addiction didn’t magically disappear. He continued to struggle and be tempted, but he learned that he could tell me about his struggles and I learned to be understanding and guiding rather than condemning and judgmental. We grew closer together and closer to God, and we’ve distanced ourselves from porn and its effects each day. We prayed together that God would continue to grow our marriage and help us build a firm foundation on Him.
Friends, He has answered!
Anytime I have the opportunity to share this story I tell people, “If you want to see the power of a mighty God, look no further than my husband and our marriage.” I am so proud of my husband and so thankful that God took the filthy rags of our lives and our crumbling marriage and molded them together to build something beautiful and unbreakable. Today, I can’t imagine being married to a different man or serving a another God.
hope
I remember longing for the day that this would all be over. We never thought that our stories would come back together. I just always assumed that no matter how hard we tried we would eventually divorce, knowing that we each gave it our best shot. But, if you are reading this and you’re struggling to overcome your addiction or if you’re married to someone who is struggling, please know that God is so much bigger than an addiction. Jesus is strong enough and good enough to save you from the hole you’re trapped in.
There is hope, there is healing, there is a light at the end of this ugly, suffocating tunnel. And all of this is closer than you think it might be.
You’re not alone.
Subscribe to Continue Receiving our Blogs!
Jennifer: Has been married to Wayne for 6 years. She has 3 kids: Riley, Benton, and Carson. Jennifer is wildly passionate about seeing marriages made whole and helping wives find peace in Christ. Jennifer is the social coordinator for ProvenMen Ministries.