The Two Keys to Victory: How I stopped masturbating and looking at porn after 25 years of addiction
by Joel Hesch, founder of Proven Ministries
Introduction
The struggle with porn, masturbation, or other sexually addictive behaviors feels like a fight for survival, where each day brings its own battles, and the waves of temptation threaten to pull us under. My own journey through a 25-year battle with pornography and masturbation taught me that breaking free requires more than just knowledge; it demands a deep, unwavering commitment to sexual integrity.
In this post, I want to share the two critical elements that have not only initiated and sustained my victory but also transformed the lives of countless others who have walked this Proven Path.
These are the two keys to lasting freedom: (1) making a covenant that a particular sexual sin is not an option, and (2) doing whatever it takes to fulfill that covenant. Although I continue to be tempted and remain in a life-long fight for purity, I have not looked at porn or masturbated for more than 25 years after making this twin commitment.
Until you make the same covenant with yourself, you’ll keep riding that same guilt and shame roller coaster. But don’t get me wrong; this is only the first but vital step in the Proven Path for sexual healing. This is only the first of my new blog series, taking you through lessons based on my life journey and the reasons why I founded and am still active with Proven Ministries. Let’s dive in deeper.
1st – Not an Option
The commitment that the particular sexual sin that has a stranglehold on you is no longer an option, period, is pivotal and transformative. When it comes to all sexual sin, whether it is pornography, masturbation, premarital sex, or affairs, making it a non-option means you remove the possibility of turning to it, no matter what. This is crucial because the moment you leave a backdoor open, even slightly, you set yourself up for failure.
Personal Reflection
For me, I really thought I wanted to quit masturbating. I certainly hated guilt and shame and the way I felt afterward. It was so embarrassing that I made a vow to never tell another living soul that I masturbated. Next, I promised myself a thousand times that I would try harder to stop. The problem is that saying “I will try” really means I won’t masturbate unless and until life gets too hard, and I need my coping mechanism and dopamine hit.
I finally reached a point where I said, “No more.” Pornography and masturbation were no longer just bad habits; they were now my enemies. But now what? For 25 years, I wanted to quit but never seemed to give it up for more than a few days at a time. I needed a new strategy. Something eternal.
I really don’t remember whether making it a “non-option” was something I heard from someone or God spoke directly to my soul. I just know that this time, things were going to be different because it was no longer me fighting in my own way or strength.
The decision that porn and masturbation are not an option, period, came from a deep place of realization that I could not serve two masters—I was either with Christ or against Him.
It wasn’t until I vowed that I would never masturbate again that I stopped.
Here’s how I know that this time it was different, and it was for real and for good. I know because I was scared. No, I was terrified. I was just committing to give up the one coping measure or guaranteed moment of pleasure that I could control. It was my little secret sin that I treasured for 25 years! It was about to be gone forever. No turning back. No giving in to guilty pleasures when life got hard. I would be porn and masturbation free for the rest of my life.
Now what? How could I fulfill a vow to stop an addiction that controlled my mind and body for 25 years? Yes, I was terrified. I was also afraid that it was just another good idea or a mind trick. But I knew it was different. I was different. But I also knew that merely saying enough is enough was not enough. That’s why the second commitment is also vital.
2nd – Whatever It takes
The second key to victory is the dogged determination to do whatever it takes to fulfill the vow that porn or masturbation is no longer an option. Whatever it means, no matter what! Nothing is off-limits. You must do whatever it takes. This means making significant changes to your lifestyle, habits, and even your environment to ensure you are not placed in harm’s way.
It was not enough to just vow to stop masturbation and porn; I had to actually stop. The only way to stop is to do everything necessary to stop. Victory is only possible when your mind, body, and soul all agree that it is not an option and you will do whatever it takes.
Practical Considerations and Steps
The consequences are too high. You’re in a fight for your very life, so “whatever” means whatever. For example, if your drive home from work passes by locations that trigger lustful thoughts, change your route. If certain interactions at work are compromising, consider a job change. If watching TV or scrolling a social media website are triggers, give them up. It’s about protecting your heart and mind by removing every potential stumbling block from your path.
Each day, I discovered more things I had to do or give up as part of my vow to do whatever it takes. I stopped watching TV. (That turned out to last a full year before I trusted myself and then only certain shows.) I met weekly with an accountability partner. I read books on prayer and spiritual discipleship. I promised to tell my wife if I ever looked at porn or masturbated again. The list goes on and on. But I knew it wasn’t the list that protected me. It was an everlasting desire and commitment that porn and masturbation were no longer options, and I would do anything and everything it takes to never go back again.
Each day you wake up, you should be reminding yourself that porn and masturbation are not options, and you are going to do whatever it takes. It will be hard. No, it will be brutal. But why play with sin? Why hold onto guilt and shameful things that ruin relationships?
Summary
These two keys—viewing sexual sin as not an option and doing whatever it takes—are not just strategies; they are commitments to a way of life that honors God and aligns with His will for purity and holiness. It’s a journey that requires courage, resolve, and the support of a community that shares these values. But it must start with these two posts in the ground or boundaries that can never be compromised again.
Call to Action
I invite you to join me and thousands of others in this commitment. Let us stand together, supporting one another in our pursuit of sexual integrity and a healthy lifestyle. Make that firm decision today that your particular sexual sin is not an option and that you will do whatever it takes to maintain that commitment.
Closing Thoughts
Freedom from sexual bondage begins with a close and dependent relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s about more than avoiding sin; it’s about pursuing a life filled with His presence and peace. As we walk this Proven Path, let us remember that we are not alone—He is with us every step of the way, providing strength and making a way where there seems to be none. There is hope. There is victory. There is a Proven Path, and God invites you to join Him on this lifelong journey.
On another day, we will discuss setbacks and other strategies and principles for remaining true to these vows, but for today, make this two-fold commitment and start the best (and hardest) day of the rest of your new Proven Life.
You got this. I believe in you!
Your fellow Proven Brother in Christ, Joel