By: Josh

When 97% of men have viewed pornography: I hope this story gives you light in your situation and a picture into our Christian culture.  

My Early Years

I was born and raised in a Christian home in a small town in Northern Michigan. Everybody knew everybody, and everything was everyone’s business. I was the church boy who was slightly more outspoken in my faith than others, to the point where people knew I was a Christian. My faith was just a reaction to being forced to go to church three to four times a week. I think secretly, subconsciously, I was looking for an escape.

I found that escape in pornography.  

Finding Identity… In The Worst Places

I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to leave a legacy. My biggest fear was being forgotten. As I grew, I realized that I was very good at sports, especially football. I got caught up with the popularity of being an exceptional football player in a small town and all the attention that came with it. The pride, along with viewing pornography, was the perfect storm. Sophomore year I weighed my options for what path would be the most beneficial for me; following Jesus or doing my own thing. I wanted all the benefits I could get, so I picked both. I decided I would party and pursue the girls around me on Fridays and Saturdays and then go to church (hungover) and do my “Christian duties” on Sundays.

Secrecy and shame ruled my life.

There was a third life I kept secret from the other two. It was my addiction to pornography. There was no way I could tell anyone about that. I was living three totally separate lives and I spent most of my efforts making sure no one would find out. The sad thing was, I was good at being a fake Christian. So good that I did not even realize that I was not a real Christ-follower. So good at being fake that my parents never asked how I was doing or where I had been the night before. I was talking to three girls at a time, watching pornography and masturbating every night.

Yet even with all this attention, I felt alone.

Burning Down 

At the start of senior year, I thought I was the greatest person alive. I had offers to play football at some big colleges in Michigan and could get any girl I wanted. My identity consisted of football, popularity, and women. Life was perfect until one girl found out about all the other girls I was talking to at the same time and she got pretty mad, to say the least.  She was so upset that she broke the barriers of my separate lives and let them all flood together.

When other people found out how I treated women, they hated me. No girl in her right mind would even talk to me. To add to the destruction, my football season went down the drain and most of the colleges that were looking at me backed out. My identity was shattered; I had nothing… except for my porn. It was my only escape as the other pillars of my life fell apart around me. I was mad at God for taking football, the sport that I loved, from me. I hated going to school because I thought people were always talking behind my back. My mind was so bent that I even started looking at the bridge on the way to school differently. I constantly thought about how easy it would be to drive off it.

I was still so alone.

Running

In a small town, it feels like nothing is forgotten. My sexual history, my football failures, my phony faith. I hated everyone and everything, I just wanted to get as far away from my past as possible. I chose Liberty University, because I knew a girl that went there, but mostly because it was 15 hours away from my home.

Jesus

God radically changed my life in the second week at Liberty. All it took was God’s love being honestly displayed in the lives of random guys on my hall. These guys didn’t know me, but they cared about me. They were real. I don’t think I ever had friends that truly cared for me.

During a worship night on Wednesday, God dropped me to my knees and I heard him say “Stop trying to live life by yourself”. It was then that I finally felt comfortable enough to open up about my sexual sin. It flowed out of me in the form of words and tears.

Immediately, I was different. I wasn’t alone. 

A Different Journey

My wounds were deep. 8 years of viewing pornography and multiple sexual encounters with women had left me with deep scars. It was a real struggle to achieve purity in my imagination and with my body. But then I was told about the Proven Men program. Proven Men has helped me trust God to heal my wounds. It has helped me put down “the shovel of self-effort” and give total control to God for every aspect of my life.

If I could say anything to my old high school self and to anyone else who is struggling with sexual sin, it would be this: “You are not alone in your mess and in Jesus there is hope and healing. Don’t give up on yourself; know freedom at any cost!”  

Proven Workbook, the 12-week purity study, is still on sale for 18% off — click here and use code NEWYEAR18 to get your copy! 

Josh is a junior at Liberty University studying International Relations: Politics and Policy. After college, he will be commissioned as an Officer in the US Army, but his real passion is going to Africa and hopes to one day is to be a missionary there. 

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